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Being brave by being soft
“Be brave by being soft” (c) Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen Soft doesn’t mean “weak”. We are conditioned to harden ourselves when entering a situation associated with discomfort… Hard, however, doesn’t protect us, as much as numbs us and limits our choices. We can do the “turtle” by shrinking ourselves and waiting till the danger is over.. We can tense up our muscles trying to appear bigger than we are – intimidating the enemy… even attack and bite them first. It is however not a grounded state. In order to avoid pain or danger, we leave ourselves behind. This is the pathway toward dissociation. Also, we are highly reactive and very likely to go…
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The paradox of Ego and Learning
“If you want to eat like a dog, you can live and sleep outside like a dog. If you want to live and sleep like a human, pick up those sticks…” Pai Mei Who doesn’t remember this scene from “Kill Bill” when the Bride is undergoing cruel training with Pai Mei. What is your explanation, why Pai Mei behaves this way? Establish a power structure? I don’t think he needed that. Hated Americans? Being an old sadist? For sure, but not just that… I am observing students in our rope classes when my partner is teaching them. Tension, friction, finger movement, repeat. I observe how the student moves, and what they…
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On intimacy…
…or what we really do when we do ropes? In our studio, a beginner couple is practicing. Tension exercise. One hour into the class, Alexander tells the student to tie the leg. The student is asking his model, “This tight is ok?” then looks at Alexander and asks him: “You want me to decide, right?” and then thinks and asks some more: “Why is it important that I decide?”. At this point, I want to say something. What do we do when we do ropes? My suspicion is, that we want to have some sort of encounter. To meet each other. How should this go? One way is, we…
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Why do I like to be tied?
Why do I like to be tied? The most appropriate answer would be, it just feels right. The very first time, my partners’ hand pulled a line across my shoulders, I just knew the feeling. There was love and recognition and desire to obey… obey whatever it is that rope is asking me to do. My rope bottom type is the one that is looking for depth rather than novelty. I hardly tie with other people besides my partner. I’m never bored to feel the “same” Gote on me again and again. It’s always different anyway… I’m not submissive, I’m not a masochist, I’m not being paid to be tied…
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Self-validated sexuality
From self-validated sexuality to self-validated life? Why are we so dependent on others’ validation? Why is it so strong in us and even when being aware of that, we are still compelled to measure ourselves by external frame? It begins early in life. When growing up, we are told that we are not okay and we get corrected. Whatever it is: too much noise when playing, perfomance at school… Your mom’s really upset with you now! What do we learn from that? We better comply with our parents‘ view on us, otherwise they withdraw their love. Something we are in desperate need for as little creatures… This is the beginning…
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Shrinking spaces
For me, and for Merriam-Webster, “Bondage” means slavery, means restraining someone, taking away their freedom, their power. This is a criminal act, unless it’s done between consenting adults within a frame of erotic play. When I’m being tied I give up my power, my freedom of choice, and my freedom of movement… It is not a commodity and this is not casual. It has an erotic element to it, and a ritualistic element, and an element of play. Otherwise, what my partner is doing to me would be – madness. And for some people, coming to our jam and watching us playing though their Instagram lenses, it probably does look…
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Own your limits
I feel that the “cancel culture” we have created in our society, our focus on the conflict, on being “wrong”, is a result of us feeling insecure about our own limits. We feel a need to make someone “wrong” so that we can justify our own “no, thank you!”. It seems to me. One of the most powerful learnings I have made in my Sexological Bodywork practice was the skill of claiming my own boundaries without making the others “wrong”. I recall once in my training sessions, I was giving bodywork to a fellow student. After the work, still lying on the mat, they asked me to come down to them…
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Bottoming for Seme-nawa
Semenawa is in demand these days. Many people feel attracted to a darker, erotic, challenging, and most of all deeply emotional way of doing Kinbaku. „Many people do naka-ties, but very few do naka style“ Riccardo Wildties From my perspective of the one being tied, I feel that a lot of actual seme-nawa spirit is created by the person in ropes, not only by the intention and skills of the person tying. I feel that it is our mindset, our presence with ourselves and our partner, with our emotions, our generous invitation, our devotion, this is what makes a big difference, this is what will define whether it will be…
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A shameful story
I’ve got long hair. I go to hairdresser. He is a good one and always overbooked. He squeezes me into his schedule. Sometimes when he is occupied with other people, his partner, chatty blond lady, takes his work to wash my hair. I don’t like her touch. Her hands are stiff and she has long nails. Just last week, it happened again. She invited me to come to that chair with a sink. I knew already I don’t like that. But refusing her would be quite confrontational. I would have to explain myself. I already prepared what i could say in German. But I don’t say a thing. Like a…
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The Learning mindset
The Learning mindset: your key to make real progress in rope bondage Did you ever wonder why some people make fast progress taking up a new discipline and others don’t? Looks like it’s not limited to rope bondage, it is the same in aikido or dance or any other body based arts… Now, as we both learn and teach a lot, we feel that we found some answers about what will facilitate the most your progress in learning rope bondage (either as rigger or as a model) or any other somatic discipline. But before we share our insights, we want to share some of the observations… Many people seem to…