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The paradox of Ego and Learning
“If you want to eat like a dog, you can live and sleep outside like a dog. If you want to live and sleep like a human, pick up those sticks…” Pai Mei Who doesn’t remember this scene from “Kill Bill” when the Bride is undergoing cruel training with Pai Mei. What is your explanation, why Pai Mei behaves this way? Establish a power structure? I don’t think he needed that. Hated Americans? Being an old sadist? For sure, but not just that… I am observing students in our rope classes when my partner is teaching them. Tension, friction, finger movement, repeat. I observe how the student moves, and what they…
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Why do I like to be tied?
Why do I like to be tied? The most appropriate answer would be, it just feels right. The very first time, my partners’ hand pulled a line across my shoulders, I just knew the feeling. There was love and recognition and desire to obey… obey whatever it is that rope is asking me to do. My rope bottom type is the one that is looking for depth rather than novelty. I hardly tie with other people besides my partner. I’m never bored to feel the “same” Gote on me again and again. It’s always different anyway… I’m not submissive, I’m not a masochist, I’m not being paid to be tied…
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Self-validated sexuality
From self-validated sexuality to self-validated life? Why are we so dependent on others’ validation? Why is it so strong in us and even when being aware of that, we are still compelled to measure ourselves by external frame? It begins early in life. When growing up, we are told that we are not okay and we get corrected. Whatever it is: too much noise when playing, perfomance at school… Your mom’s really upset with you now! What do we learn from that? We better comply with our parents‘ view on us, otherwise they withdraw their love. Something we are in desperate need for as little creatures… This is the beginning…
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Shrinking spaces
For me, and for Merriam-Webster, “Bondage” means slavery, means restraining someone, taking away their freedom, their power. This is a criminal act, unless it’s done between consenting adults within a frame of erotic play. When I’m being tied I give up my power, my freedom of choice, and my freedom of movement… It is not a commodity and this is not casual. It has an erotic element to it, and a ritualistic element, and an element of play. Otherwise, what my partner is doing to me would be – madness. And for some people, coming to our jam and watching us playing though their Instagram lenses, it probably does look…
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A shameful story
I’ve got long hair. I go to hairdresser. He is a good one and always overbooked. He squeezes me into his schedule. Sometimes when he is occupied with other people, his partner, chatty blond lady, takes his work to wash my hair. I don’t like her touch. Her hands are stiff and she has long nails. Just last week, it happened again. She invited me to come to that chair with a sink. I knew already I don’t like that. But refusing her would be quite confrontational. I would have to explain myself. I already prepared what i could say in German. But I don’t say a thing. Like a…