In the West, we are accustomed to—even frantically attached—to the idea of control. We are told that we can control everything in our lives: our aging bodies, our careers, our love relationships. Everything from expecting children to the weather tomorrow, we want to have it all under control. Most of the time, this is only an illusion. There are powers that are stronger than us. There are natural catastrophes. Corporations go bankrupt. Relationships fall apart. People get sick and die.
How do we deal with these events? How do we make peace with being helpless? How does this very idea of being helpless makes us feel?
Upholding this illusion of control takes a lot of energy and produces a lot of anxiety. We are anxious about our performance, our career, our relationships, even though we cannot control them. No wonder we end up missing that free space where we can just exhale and accept what is. There is a very natural human yearning to be in a space that we don’t control, and it can be both a release and stimulating, erotic, hot, and deeply satisfying for our whole being. The nurturing feeling of being held can be liberating, like the feeling of being taken over by a dance, or a piece of beautiful music.. Surrendering to sexual arousal until we reach orgasm is the same: not much happens when trying too hard. It is all about surrender.
Rope bondage also can provide this space. Being in ropes is the most pure and raw space of surrender one can find. It is also somatic as it works on and impacts the whole body. In fact, I connect the growing popularity of rope bondage in Europe with this deep longing for surrender that people have. We long to be in a space free from pressure to perform and function, where we can just relax and give in and let things happen. So we grab onto the rope with this hope, at the same time, our habit of wanting to control kicks in and we struggle to surrender—even though we truly long for it.
We have fears that are holding us back. How can I surrender if I don’t know what’s coming? How do I know if I can trust my partner? Will my trust be misused? What if I get hurt?..
What are your beliefs about surrender? When you read “surrender,” what comes to mind first? Do you think of loving hugs? Do you think of helplessness? Is it a feeling of sunlight on your skin? Or is it a rising feeling of anxiety? Is there any kind of somatic reaction you notice in yourself?
There is no right or wrong response. But it is important to be aware of our answers to these questions. Our past experiences have certainly shaped us, however, we have the potential to change in whatever direction we choose.
Format: 2,5 hours talk & discussion with the group
Where: in your community / on-line
Researching on surrender for over 5 years now, I feel humbled by the complexity and depth of human nature and the various expressions of it. I do not claim I have all the answers and my only intention is to offer you some insights and to make sense of my observations of myself and others, no way claiming it to be the only right way.